Okay where do I start? Oh yes!
A conversation! Well… maybe two. Split up in two different sections or the sake of organization.
So let’s chat about My girl. She had an experience that is not so uncommon. I really really really want to say this is a rookie mistake.
But it’s not. It’s really not.
First scenario:
Enter man claiming to be a Dom.
My girl begins to talk to him as they know each other and here in Montana doesn't everyone know everyone?
She has been irritated with how he talks to her which generally is in a condescending tone, her input is usually countered or dismissed and assuming she will just roll over.
She is frustrated and and even says "Why do you talk to me that way?"
"How?"
"Like I am a sub."
"Well, you are."
"Yes, But I am NOT yours. Stop it."
She is very feminine and beautiful- I have seen that perceived as weakness. Its is not uncommon for others to assume her whole personality is submissive. Which it’s NOT. Believe me - get in an argument with her. She doesn’t back down or roll over- and I am thankful for that.
She says:
“They tend to be ruder because they assume I won’t speak up for myself- there’s a different edge to their voice. I feel like they talk to me as if I am their submissive like they have the right to talk over me. But I don’t think it’s out of malice- I think people don’t recognize when they behave that way.”
Now she is much more gracious than me. I am a switch, I am her top and we are constantly looking to deepen that D/s feel in a way we are both comfortable with.
She is without a question MY girl though.
She serves me when I kindly ask- if I as her Lady if can speak with respect so can you.
I get a bit bristly but I also know she wants to fight her own battles and handle stuff such as that as the grown ass woman that she is.
Listen guys this isn’t a rookie mistake, this isn’t strictly a male centered mistake, this isn’t just something tops or Doms do. Most of us have been guilty of this at one point but the key is to correct the behavior.
I would also point out this is mostly a male Dominant issue but I have seen females Dominants do it too- just not as much.
Simply: DON’T BE A DICK- treat everyone with respect.
Second scenario.
My partner who I married is a cis-male.
We are in a switch relationship. Plenty of people claim that's impossible- listen motherfuckers: IT IS. It’s also a lot of work. And sometimes an obnoxious amount of communication.
I am his baby girl and he is my daddy. I am still a wicked sadist. He lets me top him and I am the captain of the ship at home. I also let him take care of me and top me. We negotiate a LOT. And we compromise, we talk, we ebb and flow and still argue. Sometimes the power struggle gets out of hand and things get nasty.
My partner who I married is male.
People tell him a lot: You’re Sky’s sub.
He is not.
He is a good Daddy to me - Dominance isn’t all fear and strict authority. Hyper masculinity is NOT Dominance. And it is not a safe feeling for me- it’s revolting and destructive. I don’t need it. I need safety. I need security. I need confidence. He is my calm to my fire. He is my rock. He is self controlled and disciplined. He is there and supports me through every challenge. He doesn't flinch when I need space and he respects me. He is the kindest man I have ever met and maintains a warm and accepting vibe in the house where everyone is safe and accepted for exactly who they are.
He is also a wonderful father to our children and our children know they are free to be who they need to be and he guides with warmth, patience, fairness, and love.
The only time he talks down to me is when I have requested degradation. I also only talk down to him when he requests that headspace for himself (or when I am really mad and I am working on that because it isn’t healthy).
He isn't a manly man. And quite frankly he gives zero fucks about proving masculinity to others. I find that confidence attractive.
*
*I am not that skinny ;)
I will grab pressure points, slap him, and nip to instigate the primal- because it’s foreplay for us. He restrains himself because he would never put me on the ground in front of others outside of a scene.
People assume he is a submissive because I portray confidence and dominance or that I am a brat because I don’t roll over. This is not only not true but it’s an obnoxious assumption.
Most folx that are trying to be manly men are usually the most insecure folx I know- this isn’t an outward appearance as more an attitude. I know men who looking at them you would assume they are very masculine Bulls and Bears alike -they are still respectful and speak in such a manner that everyone is equal and no one needs to be disrespected or dismissed because they don’t fit a certain criteria. Most Masters I have met are the same way- they treat everyone equally and talk down to no one no matter what side of the slash they are on.
I present as a more confident hard femme. I am a sadist first and foremost and usually lead with a touch of wickedness in my eyes.
A majority of male presenting folks either react two ways to me:
They want to poke it to see if they can get a rise- I give most the benefit of the doubt that it is in playfulness. I am also firm if things have gone too far. How they respond to my boundaries says a lot about their character.
I’ll shake my butt, let you touch it, wink and giggle- but if you think you can push me around because of those then those privileges are taken away. I don’t blame people for poking and testing. I do the same- and it’s usually in good fun. And that’s why we are in this lifestyle right? Because there's joy and fulfillment and fun in it!
Or they go the Domly dom route- I also have people who see that behavior assume I am a sub and proceed to treat me that way. Femininity and celebration of feminine sexuality is not inherently submissive. Anything not hyper masculine is not submissive (shout out to my NB people) and the assumption that it is is oppressive and…is really fucking rude.
So here’s the take away folx:
If they are not your sub don’t treat them that way.
Don’t let your own insecurities or assumptions dictate how you treat people- it reflects on your own integrity.
Masculinity and femininity and everything in between do not dictate dominance.
AND DON”T BE A DICK
You can be leather without toxic/ hyper masculinity.
You can be feminene without being passive aggressive or catty.
Gatekeeping is shitty behavior.
If it’s not your submissive then don’t treat them as such.
These are very simple concepts
Ok?
Ok.
Good chat.
Cheers!
Ms. Sky
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